“CRASH” – Worst Picture

By: Dan Jones

Back in 2007, I wrote a mini-review on this piece of junk, this heap of warped and scratched remains of an accident they call a movie, in my private notebook.  Boy, have I been waiting to publish my thoughts.

Once upon a time, the Academy Award ceremony had named “Crash” Best Picture of 2005.  I was physically sick and appalled for the entire following week and boycotted the Oscars the next year.  My faith in the Academy hasn’t been restored since.  Maybe if they retracted their vote and apologized by molding a golden statue with his head up his …

It’s okay.  I’m okay.  No need to get worked up all over again.  Just put it out there in a review.  Remind the people how we can learn from our mistakes.

“Crash,” written and directed by Paul “Hack” Haggis, is a mistake.  The swept-up audience was mistakenly empathizing for whatever reason and probably still do.  I forgive you, audience.  The race card, especially when played in the non-tolerant city of Los Angeles, is a difficult hand for Los Angelenos to ignore.  It would seem we were all outplayed by the bigotry of our world, no … country, actually, L.A.  But you weren’t beaten.  It was only a movie – a fictional tale of interwoven, inter-related, interracial characters.  The movie was bluffing.  The movie was cheating and had race cards up its sleeve.

I mean to say, “Crash” represents an angry world; so we watch and weep “sorry.”  But when the world goes mad and falls for the forced smashing of automobiles and relationships, we should not be handing over our identities and saying, “Sure, that’s how that would go,” but call the police to arrest an idealistic moron (Haggis).  I’m not being a fascist here, but I also don’t want to see my fellow men say, “Heck yeah, we don’t like other races … because … uh … we don’t.  Yeah!”

All right, I agree.  When in distress, refrain from calling the racist officers or the ones copping a feel (as does Officer Matt Dillon).  And, yes, racial slurs, some profiling, and ethnic backgrounds can be painted yucky.  Ignorant bad guys are out there.  They abuse their power.  I agree, we need to be aware.  Bad boys, bad boys.  Whatcha gonna do?  Never this: apologize for something you never thought.

Ever hear of the Thought Police of George Orwell’s classic novel “1984″?  Well, the blurry-eyed-visionaries of “Crash” are Thought-inducing Criminals (not a term found in “1984″).  And for those brainwashers, we need a Thought Army.  Or some fed up filmgoers will do.

Remember this, my soldiers.  Just because a line of dialogue is written to make you question your own motives doesn’t necessarily make you that person.  You do not have to empathize with a cry baby just because he’s established as the protagonist.  When a man’s will to live is demolished because his baby is killed, and I’m laughing my bumper off during the scene, direction is to blame.  These characters were so angry, I often wondered if there were deep fears coming from the filmmakers.  Were the filmmakers afraid of the white man becoming the minority in L.A.?

Writer/director Haggis has done some things since, and they’re okay.  He could be a great guy in person.  I’m not here to force emotions and words upon anyone.  That’s Haggis’ job.  No, I’m not sure why the board decided to give him the wheel and allow him to steer into a dumpster full of garbage set ups; but he somehow, miraculously, had earned their respect that year.

Admiration also came from the critics, regular moviegoers, and rare moviegoers upon that dreadful summer of 2005.  I still can’t wrap my head around why this happened.  I’d like to wrap my head around a pole after traveling one hundred miles per hour rather than regard “Crash” as anything more appealing than a road-side fender bender to observe and pass.  Make sure everyone’s all right, and get on with your day.  After a “Crash” viewing, everything isn’t okay (hence, this personally-anticipated review).

This is my first bashing worthy of the NO FRAMES WORTH SHOOTING rating; and it’s deserved because something happened to me, the world, and the Oscars ever since the acceptance of this disaster.  The bar was lowered like a parking lot barrier gate; and for some reason, we’re all happy to speed into it, idiot-proof windshields and gawking faces smashed with bits of glass in our idiotic eyes.  (It was supposed to be idiot proof!)

NOTE:  If the symbolic message of the final scene was any more obvious, my kids would throw die-cast metal toy cars at the screen.

“Crash” is a politically-incorrect politically-correct farce.  An insult.  The melting-pot mixture of coincidences are plain stupid.  If you write a character to go from point A to point B without motivation, you’ve done nothing but played connect the dots without a single number.  A map of scribbles.

No, dumb-dumb “Crash” is not the worst movie ever made; but for about a year, I felt our planet was momentarily overrun by imbecile sheep flocking toward a moving vehicle driven by Paul Haggis.  Again (to drive it home like a road rager), if the message is so politically correct that it comes across as politically incorrect, the action one should take is to shut the hell up and drive off a bridge.  Leave the sheep alone.

And if you like this movie, you’re probably a racist.

“We didn’t smash into ‘Crash,’ ‘Crash’ smashed into us.” – a shameless quote-change of Malcolm X

THE FRAME RATE – NO FRAMES WORTH SHOOTING

dan_jones1@aol.com